mirages

i’ve been wanting to blog for a while and now i have too many things to say! :X i can’t say it all so i’ll condense it to this…

firstly, i just got back from servants retreat. deciding on going was already such a tough decision but now i am 110% glad that i went. everything went right. from the driving at night to every sermon i listened to, to the worship, to the people that i talked to, right down to the drive back. it was worth it. for all the stress and everything that was weighed against it, even if i didn’t get to stay the whole time… it was so worth it. i’m sitting in my room now just savoring all my mind can remember. you know how that feels? when you know something’s right and it just clicks? i realized it when i was driving home and feeling kinda sad for having to leave so early and then… the sunset dawned on me. even driving back was so good – it felt right! the sun was setting right in front of my eyes and the blue mountains backlit… so beautiful.

and secondly, to explain the banner:

‘And the Saved?’

‘Ah, the Saved… what happens to them is best described as the opposite of a mirage. What seemed, when they entered it, to be the vale of misery turns out, when they look back, to have been a well; and where present experience saw only salt deserts, memory truthfully records that the pools were full of water.’
- C.S. Lewis, The Great Divorce

and lastly… pieces of poetry by k. not sure what they mean, exactly (doubt she does either, actually!), but i like the feel of it. and i am, after all, her biggest literary fan =)

I dreamed the sun to go
Forsaken amongst
Broken seasands and tethered moors;
Captured in cracked losses,
Shifted in sunny emptiness,
Like my hands.

I dreamed the sun to go, and yet
Unspent echoes lie dear and
Ancient winds divine, borne void
- domains too far

And dreams upon dreams,
Unpinning the scathing cold
Lengthening luminous illusion
Grasps fragments
Too fleeting

Semi-inspired by Dylan Thomas

Hidden, I
Never saw, drifting shattered,
Empty jarring broken nonsense
Your way, lifting sinking
Thoughts of equivocating.
Laughing worthlessness, fleeing scars,
Nurturing that careful deepness
For your utter disappearance, acute
Waves falling in poised indifference
But I’d never expected more

Semi-inspired by e.e. cummings

short one.

you know how wordpress let’s you see what people search to get to your blog? well here’s mine for this week:

“hey lo hey lo hey lo let me see your hey lo”

BAHAHA. i thought it was hilarious. i can’t think of why someone would search that since… halo’s not really a hard word to spell… and that phrase isn’t even in beyonce’s lyrics to her song halo… hm…

otherwise, i’m having a very chill sunday night listening to background music… and in the apartment for once! (= had a good halloween weekend at kings dominion and richmond… hope your weekend was just as nice (= here’s to the start of a good week, yea? let’s make the most of our time left here… it won’t feel long before we graduate. time’s always on fast forward when i’m here…

boselove

basically… the next best investment i’ve made since my macbook. although… i don’t know if i could say it was an investment on my part since… i didn’t really pay for it, but kind of. it was a birthday gift from my family. they had initially bought me the QC 2s, but, besides being $100 more expensive, the noise-cancelling feature doesn’t really do much (for me anyway. plus they take battery power). so i returned those and bought these instead!

i didn’t use them much over the summer because i didn’t need to, and i wondered if i had made a bad decision on buying them… but come studio, they were a lifesaver! i listen to music 90% of the time i’m working, so the earbuds can become a real pain after a few hours. the soft leather of the headphones fit so comfortably over my ears and they block out so much ambient noise that i think they work as well as the QCs anyway. plus, they take up no battery power and are foldable for easy storage! great sound quality too. (haha i should be writing this on the product website or something… but i figured this is more personal anyway).

so i thought of writing this because my neighbors were being loud again and i need to write a 10 page paper for tomorrow. again, they become my lifesaver. (= if you’re considering headphones i’d definitely recommend these… <3

common sense

(noun) good sense and sound judgment in practical matters.

ever wonder sometimes why common sense just doesn’t work? ever wonder what it really means? what it IS? i thought it was a fail-proof system, something that ensures you good results if you had it. kin to wisdom. something along those lines. the only reason why i failed, i thought, was because i didn’t have enough common sense. i used to envy those who i thought had a lot of it. those down-to-earth kind of people who always knew what to do in every situation… and were usually right!

but the more and more i study common sense, the more i see its true character. this may be obvious to you, but it wasnt really for me. the more i studied God’s word, the more i realized that a lot of “common sense” was really just crap. i didn’t often analyze common sense, though i thought i had… but, what is common sense really based off of? a lot of it is trial and error, but a good portion of it is also based on our human nature. so you want to seek revenge? then do it. it’s the only reasonable thing to do. you know?

there is no truth and no right way except for what is already written down for you in the word. there is no gray – only black and white. but why is it that we’re so easily fooled by this world and what they think is right? we’re so susceptible to their lies… their form of truth – their “common sense”. the way the world thinks and the way we think should never be the same. and so we must look like fools in their eyes because we will never follow their common sense. which is a lot easier said than done when you’re outnumbered and intruding on their territory.

still, we are all just a bunch of lost sheep looking for some foothold to hold on to.

should be working… but…eh…

1. Where is your cell phone? behind me
2. Your hair? is no longer short. (yes!)
3. Your mother? is the best =)
4. Your father? is also the best… =)
5. Your favorite food? my mom’s cooking…
6. Your dream last night? i don’t usually remember my dreams BUT thursday night i remember i dreamed i was pregnant O.O. it was weird. they were eggs in my pockets… don’t ask me why i think this way…
7. Your favorite drink? water’s good.
8. Your dream/goal? travel the world! (in a hot air-balloon)
9. What room are you in? mine.
10. Your hobby? i like to draw.
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? i’ll be 26… perhaps i’ll have a family. at least a husband. probably work someplace…
13. Where were you last night? playing tennis. waiting to play a game of spades that never happened…
14. Something that you aren’t? loud.
15. Muffins? are okay if you’re in a muffin mood… or starving.
16. Wish list item? macbook prooo!
17. Where did you grow up? jakarta
18. Last thing you did? took a nice hot shower.
19. What are you wearing? pj’s.
20. Your TV? my macbook
21. Your pets? paris!
22. Friends? are forever.
23. Your life? is lynnteresting.
24. Your mood? at peace.
25. Missing someone? family :’(
26. Vehicle?honda accord coupe
27. Something you’re not wearing? nailpolish
28. Your favorite store? urban outfitters
29. Your favorite color? used to be blue… getting closer to salmon.
30. When was the last time you laughed? at studio… maybe i was going crazy. jp.
31. Last time you cried? friday
32. Your best friend? Jesus
33. One place that I go to over and over? uh… that’s obviously studio.
34. One person who emails me regularly? urban, lord&taylor, muttscomics (why did i subscribe…)
35. Favorite place to eat? anywhere expensive. mahaha.

3 AM VENTTTT

so this is what i need to do to cool down. im so pissed and angry right now… i havent felt this way in a long time. it helped that i spewed out most of the gunk to eunjung (thanks…) before i write this though… so at least this entry will be filtered and a bit more objective.

anyway, the gist of the story is this: i have really loud and inconsiderate downstairs neighbors. i’m the kind of person who likes to sleep in complete and utter silence (minus the chirping of crickets or the ticking of clocks. i dont mind those). we… don’t mix well. at all.

since i’ve moved in i’ve talked to the girl right below me twice and texted her at least five times on separate occasions to keep her stereo down. i even agreed to let her blast her music on the weekends if she wanted to. aren’t i nice? all i ask is for peace and quiet during the week, preferably after midnight. seriously? i am SO reasonable. unreasonable people, however, can’t seem to understand that some people don’t live on the same nocturnal clock that they do. they also can’t seem to understand that other people have ears that would love to hear anything but the unpleasant wailings and chitter chatter that goes on beneath them. some people seem to think the whole world wants to know about what they’re doing. but you get the idea. that’s enough hashing.

so tonight. it’s thursday night. i want to sleep. it’s 2 a.m. this girl turns up her stereo like she lives in a 10-acre farm in the middle of nowhere. her friends also seem to think they’re there too. it sounds… horrible. i text her and very politely ask her to turn the music down because i’m trying to sleep. i don’t want to sleep in the living room like i’ve done twice already because… i have a right to sleep in my own room. because i pay my rent. because every human being, even if she is a little college student, has a right to sleep in quiet peace. she, of course, ignores me. so i call her. she picks up… says some very blurry something, or maybe doesn’t even say anything at all and hangs up. so i call her again twice and i get referred to the answering machine both times. well it’s obvious. and i don’t want to deal with it anymore. so i call the charlottesville police, who sound like they get these noise complaints all the time. i was very relieved to hear they’d send someone… but that officer didn’t even call until 30 minutes later! and by then, the noise had completely died down. you can imagine just how piiiissssssssssseeedddd i was.

to make things worse, this girl has a talent of honeying up her words. i cracked my door open to hear the conversation between her and the police and she sounded so, so sweet. and there was no noise. f. in all honesty, what i really want to happen is for that girl to get owned. give her a fine or something. make her pay. something. something more than just a harmless warning. it’s scary to think of it this but, i wanted her to suffer like i suffered. now that i’m calmer and more rational-minded, i’m alright with the way things played out. i was just going crazy at the moment and ready to fly down those stairs and argue with what she was telling the officer. “…uh WHAT? you WERE making a lot of noise… no party?? it sure SOUNDED like you were throwing one…” now i’m glad i didn’t. sometimes i thank God for my passivity. it saves me at times when i could have made a fool out of myself.

so that was why i was so angry… i feel a little better now that i’ve vented… and a lot more tired. venting takes up a lot of energy.

finally. finally, goodnight.

thoughts in passing on a tuesday morning

i have had perfect attendance to every single one of my classes so far! woohoo go me =) trust me… this is a pretty big thing if you know how many classes i’ve skipped in the past two years.

had a false alarm last thursday when my foot felt all pins and needles after stepping on someone else’s foot… i thought i’d sprained it again but it felt fine the next day. a queer thing.

weather is whoa. perfect.

my dream last night was tres weird. so weird i’d rather not retell it here… but it made me laugh to myself (loser-ly) on the way to class this morning.

bought earplugs at midnight last night. finally. not sure how i’ll like using them but… all i need is to wake up to my alarm. kay says that whenever she uses them, she pulls them out in her sleep. yeah… i’m not sure that’ll happen to me but if it did… wouldn’t that be convenient?

not this weekend, but the next weekend after = NYCeeee =)

something recent i’ve been wishing for… i wish i knew how to dance. the other day i was watching the curious case of benjamin button… and though that movie is slow like anything, i love watching the girl dance… it’s so beautiful! i used to take ballet when i was young… would have been nice if i kept it up huh? the expression of dance is unique to itself… there’s no other way to feel it. thus is why i love watching other people dance.

also. in another life, i would like to be an accomplished pianist or violinist. vocalist would be nice too, but… i think i prefer instrumental.

… but sigh. better get back to work now. boss’ orders =P

mind over matter… heart over mind?

this year (so far), much more so than the past two, i feel very much at peace. it’s more than a simple, quiet peace that i get from being alone without much noise… it’s the type of peace that’s nestles into my heart and fills it up, permeating my very being. it’s a peace that evokes a quiet joy over simply… living. being at a place in life where you know you’re meant to be… at the stillness within the eye of a hurricane. it’s more than comforting to possess… and i’m beyond lucky to experience it at this moment… i know that well.

i was skimming through my journal entries last night (avoiding work…), and i realized just how much God has changed me from within. the change isn’t so evident to someone else, and in fact, it wasn’t even very clear to me either until i read my old entries… but now i know… just how much better i am than i was before. and though the doubt over whether this is a permanent change or no creeps into my mind, i want to firmly believe that this time, it’s for good. i mentally leave unchecked the symptoms of temporary change… such as an emotional high, or a single good event… as far as i can tell… this seems like a real turn-around.

i suppose you’re wondering what kind of change is it? exactly? though i can’t really pin-point exactly what is different for personal/privacy reasons as well as… because i don’t really know… i think it’s simply a God-given sense of His love… although this by definition is broad in itself since love, His love especially, includes a spectrum of different forms and feelings. however… one concrete example can be my mind. before = bitterness and darkness (though even then i knew i wanted to be out of there)… now = optimism and peace! i even wrote quite a few bitter entries in this blog much earlier… 2008 or so most likely in my first year… =P

so that’s topic one of my entry today…
here is topic two (relating more to the title):

i was wondering (also last night)… i suppose in more general terms, the power of the mind. i know and i believe the power it has over controlling how you deal with circumstances (you know thomas the train? i mean in circumstances like that… “i think i can, i think i can…”). but what of the heart? how much does the mind control the heart? sometimes i find it impossible to control how i feel, no matter how rational my arguments sound. my heart and my mind conflict… but in the end, my mind can’t convince my heart. i suppose this confirms how much of a “feeling” person i am (rather than a “thinking” person). i don’t necessarily take it as a bad thing… i just wonder if i will ever get to a point when my mind will win the battle. although most times my heart is obedient to mind, there are specific cases when it rebels. almost like it has a life of its own. so strange… and just a note: bringing in personal will and individual action into this train of thought adds another dimension of complexity. i want to clarify that though i am motivated by heart and mind, this doesn’t necessarily mean i act upon what i feel or what i think every time…

so yep. those are my thoughts for today. =)

today was a great day!

though it began on a rocky start… i slept through my four alarms this morning and woke up at 9:58 a.m., then quickly realized that my first class was at 10 and i had an assignment due/a pin-up! so i was out the door in two minutes and pretty much ran/walked as fast as i could up carr’s hill and four flights of stairs… all in under 10 minutes! hurrah. i made it in time! quickly pinned up my work and presented to my discussion class… thank God that my TA was lenient and didn’t seem to mind my tardiness!

had another class at 11 afterwards… building & climate, which i think i’m going to enjoy. i liked the discussion and so that wasn’t too bad.

got sushi for lunch at the fine arts cafe and went to work on an a school computer pretty much until studio started at 2… after desk crits in studio, we went to Ruffin, where we talked to the photography teachers there (our current project deals with displaying photography) and got a tour of the dark rooms and the whole process of developing photographs. i really enjoyed that too… and would absolutely love to take an art class sometime! it just looks like so much fun! the whole time, however, i really needed to go pee… >< had too much coffee right before. lol.

then i went to an AIAS interest meeting (American Institute of Architecture Students) at 6. i've realized recently how uninvolved i am in UVA and how utterly blank my resume would look once i graduate… i thought this might remedy things up if only a little bit, so i went (plus they had free pizza). i suppose the reason for my non-extra curricular activities was because first year i was too lazy but second year i was so busy with studio + homegroups, there was no time even if i wanted to join a club. in any case, one of the concerns the officers brought up at the meeting was that they needed a secretary for this year… so after the meeting i asked the president what it would take to be one, and she said that since i was the first one to ask, i automatically get the job! holler. so happyyy. God always provides… He is… too good to me.

plus great weather today.
that's all.
it's been a good day =)

sadface

one measly week left and i already miss jkt. what am i gonna dooo? i must admit that this summertime laze has really gotten to me… and i love getting spoiled by it! am i really ready to start school again this fall? starting another chapter… it’s all going to be hard work. harder, even, because i really do plan on working a lot more this coming semester… this reminds me of that scene from snow white with the dwarves in the mine and they start singing “heigh-ho”… if only i could do my work as cheerfully! i wish i could tuck some of this golden summertime into my pockets to last me another year. it’s just that i’m so happy and content and peaceful right now that i’m afraid of going back and ruining my mood. although i know that going back isn’t going to be all that bad… it’s not like i get depressed in school or anything. in fact, i’m really quite happy when i’m in school too… but you know that phrase “out of sight, out of mind”? well, it’s really kind of like that, i guess. hard to explain, but i think it’s kind of like… well, for me, it’s like being afraid that i’ll forget about jkt when i’m in america… i’m afraid of forgetting how much i love it here and how much this place means to me… but is this just me being absolutely silly? or would u consider it some sort of psychological process i do to acclimate myself to two entirely different worlds?

and anyway, i can’t decide if i should settle in america after college. for awhile, i was almost definitely certain that i would. after all, it’s what i’ve become so used to! it’s where i feel most comfortable and where i can navigate myself independently. but this trip has made me realize that if i wanted to find a job in jakarta, or actually, in any other city in the world, for that matter, i could. if i really wanted to, or if it’s where God really wants me to be. but i realize that what is most important to me is being where my family is. i can never deny how much they mean to me.

i often wonder why we didn’t move to someplace closer, like singapore, or australia, or even cali! for some reason God wanted us exactly on the other side of the world…