seems surreal that i’m here! strange to think i’m so far away from home, in a foreign country… in europe for christmas! a few months ago i would never have imagined i’d be here…

we haven’t done any sightseeing yet, though tammy and i arrived friday night, k and may the following morning. there was an entire 24-hour delay for our flight on wednesday night and we were put on standby for our transit flight in london – it was extremely irritating and drained us of so much energy… the past two days were spent recuperating from jetlag, which had caused onslaughts of drowsiness at random times of the day.

vienna right now feels very cold. our apartment is toasty warm (or too warm most times!). we are apparently very close to the city center, but have not ventured there yet… yesterday i went to the market, which was brimming with fresh-ness! fresh fruits, fresh veggies, fresh baklava, fresh eggs, fresh meats, fresh cheese, fresh bread… europe at its everyday finest! it was very crowded because it was the weekend, and i heard snippets of english here and there. right outside the food market was an antiques market… tammy, my mom and i meandered through it, pausing to stop at several tables, mostly without the intention to buy anything… we saw lots of strange things,lots of broken porcelain dolls (creepy) and lots of things from eastern europe.

there was a christmas market that opens at night a few blocks down… we went there but all the booths, except the ones that sold hot drinks, were closed because of the snow/rain. will have to go again…

the people here speak german, and i wish i had studied it better when i was in high school. it would have been so cool to understand what people said and read roadsigns… but i think i’d still feel too inadequate and shy to try a conversation…

the tap water here apparently comes straight from the mountains… how delicious =) have yet to try any coffee shops but will definitely do so in the very near future! chocolate here is especially good – even when buying from the grocery stores. i don’t know how they have mastered the art so well…

for not one particular reason but several, i’m feeling deeply humbled right now. it could just be that i woke up on the humble side of bed this morning… or it could be that i’m feeling a sense of weariness creeping in from an accumulation of… things, for lack of a better word.

my heart feels heavy, like a soaked up sponge, though not all of what’s there is sadness.  there’s a little bit of peace, too, though not a lot, just enough to taste… 

i haven’t really written here because i haven’t felt like i had anything really important to say. (though most times it’s also bc i’m lazy…) but now i realize that even if i thought i did, it probably wouldn’t be that important anyway. nothing’s really new under the sun. and then i’m humbled because i realize i don’t need to say particularly important things here, nothing important to anyone else but really, just myself. and if i take the privilege of writing my “important” thoughts away from myself, then yes, i’d be a prideful old coot, and a mute one too. 

when things didn’t (and don’t) go the way i want them to go, i’m surprised at my own petulant reaction. i guess it’s human nature, human instinct, to react this way, so why was I surprised? did i think i was above that? humbled…

and when things don’t go my way, i realize that the steering wheel, brakes, keys, everything is really out of my hands. i think there are some things we can control in life, but i just don’t know how much. more so these days, i’m feeling the reigns slipping from my hands. maybe it’s just a period of my life where I have to learn to let God take control and for me to trust Him more than I ever have before. 

i spent the day away with may today… we had a good time going shopping together and afterwards headed over to liberty ms for her open house. i decided before entering the doors how relieved i am not to be a middle school teacher. dozens of tweenies swarmed the place and it made me feel dizzy. it must be a very different feeling for may, though… i found it so strange that she was beginning this part of life while i’m already out of college… and when i told her that as we buckled our seatbelts in the car, about to go home, she replied – “well, i feel like eighth grade is quite old, you know.”

well, fair enough. i feel like twenty-two is also quite old, but out here in the working world, they’re baby years. i’m trying to wait patiently for what God has in store for me while also doing my best to get a job. and i realize that life in general is like that too – a delicate balance of both trusting in God and simple perseverance. you might call one “faith” and the other one “works”. when asked which is more important – faith or works – what would your reply be? thinking of life in general, not specifically in the attempt to achieve something, like a job, for example. in the past, my answer would have been – “well, faith by far, of course, because with faith comes works. if you first believe in something then you will automatically become a doer.” i still believe in this but something clicked in my mind the other night when i was reading c.s. lewis’ chapter on faith in mere christianity… i realized that I had failed to acknowledge the flip-side, that sometimes doing things can also produce faith. more importantly than that, I realized that valuing faith over works also risks the possibility that your actions are executed simply in accordance to one’s emotions and not to one’s faith. i’ve learned that faith actually has little to do with emotions and much more to do with good solid reason. once your reason persuades you to believe in something, your perseverance in believing in it, through thick and thin, is your faith.  and your faith can not automatically remain alive but must be trained in the habit of faith, being fed everyday.  this is how i understood that i was wrong about the nature of convictions… i had thought that when someone becomes deeply convicted of something, then this transforms the heart so completely that your life becomes radically changed, all without having to be “kept alive”. eh… not so much.  faith and actions go hand in hand: work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who worketh in you. 

i’ve realized that starting the day with a good QT does wonders and starting the day with facebook tetris does not… especially when you keep losing… yikes. lesson learned.

today i got membership from costco and realized i have horrible timing, what with hurricane irene threatening our skies and it being a friday afternoon. frantic mothers with huge carts pushing and shoving their way through… cry. what a nightmare.

i know i’ve been horrible at updating this blog lately, but that’s really because there’s been too many or too little things to say. now that life seems to be a bit more stable, i think i will try to blog again… : )

that i’m actually done. i can’t believe it – it hasn’t really hit me yet. this semester’s charette has been the oddest out of the six that i’ve had so far… i’ll write up this brief post but please bear with me through the sleep-deprived-induced grammatical-errors and nonsense ramblings… but seriously, this past week really stretched my patience thin, almost to the point that situations seemed comical – really? right now? on thursday i had decided on joining a bible study potluck at u-place and got pulled over by a cop who informed me that my registration was expired. he didn’t write me a ticket, just a court summons, but i think that my stress level was so high at that time that i was literally on the verge of tears. well, that was unusual. but the next day we had fourth year gcf banquet and it was such a touching event – i cried almost every presentation! i went back to studio to work, and got back to my apartment at 3 a.m. – well, someone parked in my parking spot and there were absolutely no street spots open for me to park. it was most likely some frat boy across the street… it was upsetting to say the least. i had to call a tow truck and that took at least another hour. [sidenote: they pried the door open with a 2x4 and some wiry object - just. like. that. considering how long it took for us to get billy's door open when we were heading up to nj, i thought of how useful it would be to have such a skill...] and then strangely, on saturday, after working the entire day and being constantly tempted by the frisbee tournament going on a few feet away from where i was working, i came home at around 3 a.m. to a pitch black apartment – turns out that the power was out in our apartment (although my neighbors seemed to be doing just fine!). i did everything by candlelight (even lighting the candle with a match and taking a shower!), and just as i tucked myself in bed, the electricity came back.

and now it gets me thinking and wondering… i realized that even through all of these strange occurences, i felt a lot of peace, knowing that things were going to be all right in the end. i know they were meant to stir up a frantic fury within (because i felt the urge oftentimes), but most of the time i was subdued enough to take a step back and think about how silly the situation was and how it wasn’t worth my energy to get upset about. i realize that even though i set out every hour of the week to work on my studio project, things don’t always go the way i plan it and i can’t be upset about that. i also realize that when i’m bent on something and really focus my mind on it, i shut out every other thing in the world – friends, family, God – other things actually more important than my work. i realize perfection is subjective or absolutely unattainable, not really about what you do but about how you do it. i realize that i absolutely value hard work and that it really chisels your character into possessing an admirable quality (although the downside is i find it hard to respect people who do not work hard.).  i love the a-school and the a-school family, and will dearly miss it when we leave… :[

the sunlight that enters my room at this moment is splintered into various fragmentations, disrupted by the slant of the window blinds and the tree leaves outside. for a moment i imagine i’m under the sea, looking upwards at the undulating waves that fracture the sunlight the same way – have you ever done that? ever lie down on the floor of a swimming pool and look upwards at a blurred reality?

i’m also currently drinking a slightly bitter and highly caffeinated latte from hotcakes, complimented by a free pumpkin muffin that perfectly balances the bitterness of my drink with its own faint sweetness.

these days i’m learning to appreciate… frivolity. things that aren’t so important, things that don’t take up much time, things that don’t mean anything to anyone else. i realize this because… in the end they do count, more than anything else, actually. what’s the stuff that creates memories anyway?

these days i have sluggish tendencies and a lurking desire to go under my covers and sleep. but then i remember the cruelty of time and how quickly it slips from my fingers. so instead i’ll make the most of most opportunities and pick myself up again and again. finish strong.

the sun will no more be your light by day,
nor will the brightness of the moon shine on you,
for the Lord will be your everlasting light,
and your God will be your glory.
Your sun will never set again,
and your moon will wane no more;
the Lord will be your everlasting light,
and your days of sorrow will end.

isaiah 60:19-20

uuuuuuuuugggggggggggggh.

times like these i just feel so horrible. got into a minor car accident tonight on 14th and john street. driving down 14th i saw a yellow taxi car coming down john street but not slowing down and not looking left or right, he pulled out right in front of me when i expected him to have stopped at the stop sign… i slammed on the brakes but it didn’t do much good. whats left is a broken bumper with yellow streaks along the left of the car. it could have been worse. i’m just really annoyed because it could have been avoided… life gets messy like this. i hate going through the hassle of getting my car fixed. i hate having to deal with this.

times like this i just can’t help but think – God, what did i do wrong? i do this for a lot of other littler things in life, but when something affects me a little more, i get a little bit more superstitious. is this a sign? did i do something to displease you? shouldn’t have stayed out so late, shouldn’t have done this, shouldn’t have done that. should be a better driver, maybe a grandma driver. should have let him go even though he didn’t have right of way. should have taken another route home. should have… should have… sigh.

so upset.

i spent my last spring break going on a service trip to paterson, new jersey. we just got back saturday… i wish i had another week off to process my thoughts, or maybe just a few more days! perhaps i’ll take the liberty to slack off the first few days i get back to school… =)

i’ve been known by some to have a rather bad memory. so i’m writing now to record some of my thoughts while they’re still fresh. on the other hand, i think that the real impact of this week won’t sink in until later. in other words, the ink is still wet, and i’ll have to wait until it dries to become permanent. feelings fade but convictions don’t.

the trip started off a little rough with our 7 hour drive up from a full weekend of spring retreat. i think most of us were bogged with lack of sleep, and i felt really bad for the drivers. at a rest stop, billy left his keys in the car and we had a little escapade running around for wire hangers and the like trying to pry the door open. we arrived late and it was raining… we settled in to bed on tiled classroom floors as soon as was possible. looking back, there was not one night that i regretted not having a mattress – i was so tired at the end of each day that i really couldn’t tell the difference whether it was a feathery air mattress or a hard rock.

breakfast for the homeless and the less fortunate was served at 7 a.m. our first day we arrived 10 minutes late and received a well-deserved chastisement from one of the staff. oops. we did a better job the next day, but our performance declined after that… i loved talking to the people who came, though. they were usually up for a good conversation, and even a closing prayer afterwards. their faith in God is strange and humbling to me, simple and childlike. normally i would complain from having to wake up so early, but seeing and talking to these people makes my pride curl up in a little ball and beg to die.

we also helped with an afterschool program for elementary school kids from 3-6 pm. i have such a soft spot for kids ever since may was born… i learned to love them even more when i worked at a preschool during my summers in high school. but i’ve never before worked with underprivileged children… knowing and seeing that they don’t possess optimal opportunities is difficult to swallow. i know poverty is prevalent in many parts of the country and the world, but when they are there in front of you… my kids were second and first graders with the sweetest smiles and chubby cheeks and brilliant eyes that melted my heart… the hours i spent with them were mostly given to learning phonetics – apparently they don’t teach that in schools anymore. they teach memorization of words? makes no sense to me… in a way i’m glad we only spent one week with them… if it had been any longer, i would have been sobbing uncontrollably on the way out. my prayers for them are that they would know God’s love and seek after Him with their whole hearts. I pray that they grow up and study diligently, chasing after impractical dreams that defy the restrictions their backgrounds have placed them in. one of my students miguel said he wanted to be a police officer… i hope they keep this sense of justice and seek to live for a righteous cause… against all odds… what if?  i could really go on and on, but i’ll spare you the trouble =)

the hours in between were filled with other activities as well… from cleaning out roach-infested kitchen cabinets and fungus-plagued refrigerators to street evangelizing in the city. lots of funfunfun! i adore everyone in my team and they’ve truly earned my admiration. i respect their willing and selfless hearts to serve, their sincerity, and their attempts to continually seek God and his will. i honestly didn’t hear one complaint about anything that we attempted to do, which was truly amazing! everyone put in their fair share of work in the end, and our joyful hearts brought a lot of cheer into the little hana building. =)

there’s probably more left unsaid, but this post is getting embarrassingly long… hehe. hopefully that’s a pretty good summary of the week – i know it would have been better if i had blogged daily, but i realize that organizing my life and my thoughts this way often takes more time than i can afford to give. well, we’ll see how stingy i’ll be in the next two months before graduation! i really need to mentally get myself together, and prepare myself for when i really do go out there into the “real world”. as for now world, goodnight =>

your love is strong

over the weekend and the hours after, i’ve realized not only my own brokenness, but also my own sinful, decrepit nature parched for God’s love. in my mind i’ve been extremely legalistic these past few months, attempting to dryly sort out fact from fiction in theological discussions and debates, poring over his word searching for an “aha!” moment to stump myths and misunderstandings… finding so little in substance and less in conviction… what i had ended up neglecting is the simple simple simple truth of his love. and though i knew it was there i closed myself off, like wearing a rainjacket under a pouring thunderstorm, keeping myself from getting drenched under his embrace. i realize my selfishness, closing myself off like that… it’s a love i can never fully understand… and because of that, i had no love to give to others either… but i want to try harder and let it all go, be washed away by something i don’t really understand. i want to be pure in heart again, and cling on to a faith that some would call foolish. for at least a little while i will stop rationalizing my faith and act like a fool.

last night i dreamed i got the plague. it was a terrible, horrible feeling. it was a normal day in 2011, but i knew it was the Black Death, you know, the one that hit Europe in the 14th century. I knew it was that one because I sneezed into a tissue and saw blood staining the stark white… that was the indicative symptom described in this book i read over winter break – ken follet’s world without end. it was terrifying to think i only had a few days left to live! i was gripped by fear and anxiety, and all the while, people tried to avoid me because they were scared of getting it too… you know how they say you only feel in dreams what you’ve felt in real life? well, i’ve never felt like that before – ever! it was such a relief to wake up and realize it was all … just a dream.