for not one particular reason but several, i’m feeling deeply humbled right now. it could just be that i woke up on the humble side of bed this morning… or it could be that i’m feeling a sense of weariness creeping in from an accumulation of… things, for lack of a better word.
my heart feels heavy, like a soaked up sponge, though not all of what’s there is sadness. there’s a little bit of peace, too, though not a lot, just enough to taste…
i haven’t really written here because i haven’t felt like i had anything really important to say. (though most times it’s also bc i’m lazy…) but now i realize that even if i thought i did, it probably wouldn’t be that important anyway. nothing’s really new under the sun. and then i’m humbled because i realize i don’t need to say particularly important things here, nothing important to anyone else but really, just myself. and if i take the privilege of writing my “important” thoughts away from myself, then yes, i’d be a prideful old coot, and a mute one too.
when things didn’t (and don’t) go the way i want them to go, i’m surprised at my own petulant reaction. i guess it’s human nature, human instinct, to react this way, so why was I surprised? did i think i was above that? humbled…
and when things don’t go my way, i realize that the steering wheel, brakes, keys, everything is really out of my hands. i think there are some things we can control in life, but i just don’t know how much. more so these days, i’m feeling the reigns slipping from my hands. maybe it’s just a period of my life where I have to learn to let God take control and for me to trust Him more than I ever have before.
